Election Masters' Pow-Wow

Scene: Inner circle of the Election Manipulation Committee, the Highest Echelon of American Crosseyeds

KR: What do we do now? The GOP is in a hot civil war. So many of those candidates we got elected with our ECT (Extremely Clever Technology) are being threatened from the no-nothing right, who, frankly, have run out of feet to shoot themselves in—we certainly gave them two or three. They overwhelmingly nominate a guy like Roy Moore, who claims that the First Amendment doesn’t apply to Muslims because they don’t have a “real religion,” and that gay people are an abomination in the sight of their deity and should be deprived of rights. We need these people’s votes, but how do you reign in such crazies? What if Moore tries to put the Ten Commandments up in the Senate? Or cover the female statues in the Rotunda, the way Ashcroft did.

Pa*l S*nger: And look at all the money we’ve spent to give them the gift of full spectrum dominance! 

Charles K*ch: And they couldn’t repeal Abominable Care even when I dangled $400 million in front of their noses. I mean if that’s not worth blanking on the details, I don’t know what is! Are they losing their sense of priorities? 

Robert Merc*r: Geez, Karl. You’re great at winning elections for them, but what do we do with these nincompoops in office? The whole point is to dump government regulations and lower our taxes, but do they have to be so incompetent about pretending to be concerned about anything else?

KR: I just don’t know. We give them money; we massively purge hostile urban constituencies; we’ve figured out how to flip votes in their favor; we even go as far as to crash the plane of that traitor whistleblower Connell. Hell, we manage to dominate power in this country with little more than a third of the electorate’s support. And now that’s fragmenting. It’s going to get tough. 

Pa*l Sing*r: Maybe your biggest mistake, Karl, was actually letting them win.

Charles K*ch: Yeah, nothing fails like success, at least in politics. Which is why I prefer oil & gas. We can't lose, as long as we keep to the high ground above 40º north latitude, away from coastlines and fault lines and out of tornado alleys.